Live Blogging the End: Top 5 Reasons Palin is the Jacksonville Landing

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Live blogging the end: Top 5 Reasons Palin is the Jacksonville Landing

Note from the Editor: Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

Today Alaska Governor Sarah Pitbull with tattooed lipstick Palin will drop her obsession with running her state (the biggest and closest to Russia) and her huge family obligations (make sure you mark your breast pump in that fridge!) to come to our fair and still red city to attack the next President of the United States. But there are significant things that the you betcha Gov and the you wretcha Landing have in common. Here are the top 5:

5. Meaningless babble on top of Hooters. How did that giant screen television pass through the planning department, planning commission, Design Review Committee, and city council? Its on city property, where you can drink out of doors, liquor even, BTW. It is a giant television on the most beautiful part of the river and arguably the best looking part of the city especially from the southbank. You can see it from the historic Main Street Bridge to nowhere.

Do we need television while enjoying downtown on the river? Maybe you are saying, how did the pepsi ball and all the pepsi billboard-roofs along the stadium pass the above groups also? Who knows? No journalists care! Or work in a building with their logo on all four sides (big no no), with big banners hanging (Von supports the fight against breast cancer and blight)! I’m just a columnist and Joey doesn’t pay crap. Back to the television. It is like what is behind the titanium glasses. It is mean and meaningless, it is a dirty distraction, it is self serving, it is empty, and it is on top of nice hooters. Which are draped in an American flag today. How appropriate.

4. Both are run by people who prop them up but don’t really care about them. And they make things up at tax payer expense. How in the world did the owner of the Landing not clean it up and finish the job? Parking of course! Somehow there is a way to shove thousands today and tens of thousands at football games in there with a lack of parking but not actual stores. They need spaces!

At any given time there are more spaces downtown than there are people. Their lot is always open with spaces available. The year after the owner of the Landing bought it for $5 million his firm made $700 million. But parking is the reason he cannot invest in it. Palin is thrown out there with no magazines, no foreign policy experience, no passport? And why can’t she answer questions about one supreme court case? Parking, err gotcha journalism.

3. They both look great from a distance. The Landing always looks good from a blimp. And until Gov Palin speaks she is damn fine. But once you approach the Landing you will find nothing but a stank beer smell, infested restaurants, and unsavory customers. The good Gov who has a great handle on politics in her state, where she should be governing, like now, associates herself with a vicious dog that attacks without provocation. That is as repulsive as the dumpster smell or burnt skin.

2. Empty. The Landing has never been as empty as it is today. Gov Palin has nothing to offer with the exception of some drill me now bullshit. She is an angry zealot divider without anything tangible on her record or her party platform. She is talking about activist courts, but can’t name one case. Echo. Echo. She started her Landing speech about never looking back and always looking forward, ends with Bill Ayers. Ha ha. No looking back huh?

1. Both get paid to sit there. Governor Palin gets a per diem for staying home. Some for her kids too. You can’t see it on her tax records but it exists. And its on the back of Alaskans and Americans. She needs to reject that. Everyday that a parking lot is not build by our city for the Landing they actually get paid.

When this thing is over Von promises to get back to more localized scandal but there is too much fertile soil right now on the national front to not plant and sew. I’ll try to tie it into our Jacksonville. There are some amazing strories from resources coming in from inside City Hall about the no bid dump scandal and the Jackson Square scandal. We don’t want to get anyone fired so Von is being judicious. As always tips will remain anonymous vontinypaige

Von Tiny Paige: Top 5 Dirty Truths About Barack Obama’s VP Joe Biden

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Von Tiny Paige: Top 5 Dirty Truths About Barack Obama's VP Joe Biden

Note from the Editor: This is (apparently) a recurring column, we’re going on 4 weeks. Peyton knows there’s more than enough dirt going on in this City to fill three weekly columns, but this is on a national level. Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

Note from the Editor #2: Before you start calling us a bunch of flip-flopping, RNC lovers, click the links in the column. It’s a NIGHTMARE! Remember, we expect your to form your own opinions, not use Von’s.

The Von is set to expose facts that the world has not seen associated with this new comer to the political scene, Joe Biden. If all of these things are true… If HALF of these things are true about the next in line as possible leader of the free world, we are in for a WORLD OF HURT. Good point. A WORLD OF MORE PAINFUL HURT.

  1. Barack Obama’s church and church leaders have been widely covered for anti-American remarks. But did you know Joe Biden’s churches are really crazy cults? You may have seen some videos in the past but hold on to your hats ladies. THEY WANT TO START A WAR! Watch the whole thing at least until they talk about fire and smoke. Seriously. Instant internet classic.
  2. Even big time speech writers and supporters of Senator Obama call his pick for VP, BIDEN, BULLSHIT!
  3. Every sensible person decries Karl Rove and the Bush Administration “losing” years worth of emails. HA HA HA. Nothing to see here. But did you know Biden has volumes of emails he is keeping from the American public before this election?
  4. Despite being on the ticket with an African American, Joe Biden is a confirmed RACIST!
  5. IF being a racist, liar, (even getting his runnin mate to tell useless lies) and email hider seem like the best way to court the conservative base to come over, the VTP thinks this VP candidate is the bridge to nowhere.
  6. Joe Biden’s hot sticky oil guzzling transportation and accomodation NIGHTMARE!

His Friends aren’t buying it!

VTP would like to congratulate our Sherrif Ruthafud and Mayor Payitin and City Council Handsomeman Dan your church sucks Davis for sucking it up for the little people and deciding to spend time as chairs of the McCain Palin effort in Duval. If the 4% turnout that got them into office told them anything it was to support lobbyist based lifeforms and overtly divisive militant Christians. Because if they don’t shove planet destructing oil down your throat in the name of our savior Jesus Christ who will?

Plus its not like there is any crime or real problems in this city. Buck up losers and vote McCain! I’m sure they have LOTS of time to really push for Palin’s renewed energy in family values. Like unprotected teen sex. She has sizzle. Any mother of 5 who says she is a pit bull with lipstick (first thought Art Shad) really makes the VTP think: She is an attack dog with no ability to determine right from wrong and will attack even unprovoked? WTF.

I want comments and I want TIPS vontinypaige Remember Jacksonville – THE VTP HAS YOUR BACK

P.S. if you have any port tips and or tips about Jackson Square send them quick as we are loading potential stories NOW

Von Tiny Paige: The YouTube Shaft (Volume 1)

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Listen to the part at the very begining about funding of legal defense of Senator Ted Stevens, AK. He takes a pounding and sits through it on public radio. While the rest of the callers rip through him on other ethics issues think about the City of Jacksonville.

The VTP can’t say when, but the media is going to be reborn in Jacksonville on the backs of the bizarre and careless corruption. Those who are unlucky and take the fall won’t know what hit them. If your not corrupt, hey, great city.

And if you do go down for something you can always make a comeback and really kill it.

Please no quotes without permission. Will trade for tips. Send more tips vontinypaige

Von Tiny Paige: How Many Sand Bags Is a Hollingsworth?

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Von Tiny Page: How Many Sand Bags Is a Hollingsworth?

Note from the Editor: This is the third installment of what (apparently) will be a recurring column. Peyton knows there’s more than enough dirt going on in this City to fill three weekly columns. But I digress. Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

FROM VON and the well meaning people at Tiny Paige

Note: none of this will seem funny to you if you are suffering from property damage from your faycation.

The answer? We guess about 100 plus a dozen or so city trucks, lots of fossil fuels, city workers, prisoners?, and some of the best quotes EVAH!

Honorable Congresswoman Brown:
My roof cave in!
I been here 16 years!
I had to call and call like anybody else.
Fair to pay for it?
They some fumes back there. Some biological spillz. On my back. You go take a look at it. Its a mess.

From CHIEF OF STAFF HOLLINGSWORTH:
She is a single woman.
Anybody, um, might have done the same thing.
I heard the panic in her voice.

From CITY COUNCILMEMBER LEE:
I didn’t call anybody. I don’t want free sand bags and I don’t need free sand bags. Or labor. Or the fuel that it costs to get all those trucks to my house for no good reason. But you know what is good? Cinnabons at the airport. TASTEE!

From JaxOutLoud.com:
The people of Jacksonville are outraged, and this is an issue that needs to be addressed and action taken on behalf of the administration! Hollingsworth should not get away with this!

From Metrojacksonville.com:
A 62 year old woman who got sandbags in a flood is A OK with me.

With the story now on Drudge, Von is fairly certain we will have a thorough accounting on how much this humanitarian effort costs us flooded out taxpayers and a breakdown on how these victims of Hollingsworth’s human-ess will pay us all back. Von loves me some Duval. This crap writes itself.

Shout out to the LOCAL STATION for even asking the tough questions! When we get pictures of the caved in roof and biological spillz somebody check the freezers! WINK WINK!

THE VTP
Send tips on abuses of power. abuses? Von’s been here 3 weeks! 3 weeks! vontinypaige

Von Tiny Paige: We don’t care who is gay!

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Von Tiny Paige

Note from the Editor: This is the second installment of what (apparently) will be a recurring column. Peyton knows there’s more than enough dirt going on in this City to fill three weekly columns. But I digress. Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

FROM VON and the well meaning people at Tiny Paige

Welcome back frenzies. It is funny. Wrong word. It is interesting that in the issues section of the Mimes Union (strong yet voiceless and trapped in a box, heehee) site called Activote! (we shall, in our effort to keep ourselves from poluting you dear reader, not link to the tripe) that the top two issues are abortion and gay marriage. So maybe its alphabetical. Even still, I didn’t know abortion was on the ballot this year. But that brings us to snip one.

snip

WE DON’T CARE WHO IS GAY! If you are going to send a tip to let us know all of these power people who are gay you can either send photographic evidence (driving a mini does not count) or show where the gayness is contrary to some public policy they pushed or are pushing. (Clears throat). Because being hypocritical is much worse than being gay. Von cares not who you are focking, only who you are focking over.

snip

The states attorney race is HEATING UP! One of the candidates is a MAN BABY! We got a couple tips from this race that aren’t worth our time (see snip one). But one thing we are pretty confused about is this. Angela Corey is FIGHTING MAD and has all the cops ready to bust your ass for voting for the status quo. Or at least they say that Plotkin/Shorestein is the status quo. Uhhh. Wait. Those guys have been working in that office for 20 million years yes. But we have only been the capital of capital crimes since the people that endorse MZ Corey took over crime and punishment. So wouldn’t a vote for her be a vote for our sorry current state of affairs. Send tips. In the mean time we’re going with the candidate who isn’t mean all the time. Plus you represent the people and the victims not the cops, Honey. We agree with the Mimes. Making hand signals: Vote Jay Plotkin. Republican!

snip

Jay McGovern is out pacing Ander (votes with Bush every freaking time) Crenshaw in fundraising. Why? Because everyone knows that Ander can’t lose. Well Sir Hopes Alot may have something to say about that. Von thinks this one might be really close due to our endorsement. That and the fact that Ander ain’t done squat except vote the party line. Go to his site and check out his bio. Von knows growing up in Ortega is insurmountable but come on, have we not done anything? His video at his home page about sums it up. Why do we need another cemetary Ander?

We’ll go with the engineer and business man on this one. Vote Jay McGovern. Von’s not drinking yet though we’ve endorsed a republican, a military leader, and two guys name Jay already. Don’t try to find any info at ACTIVOTE!!! its pitiful and with this congressional seat. The info has been aborted, which is gay.

snip

Norton Vs. Buttner. This sounds like an Eddie Murphy routine. Too bad the hot one is not Buttner. We really liked the idea of Norton because we heard when she got mugged she changed into a Norton for judge t-shirt before the news crew got there but we found evidence thats hog wash. We would have been so impressed by this despite her having one, yes one, trial in her repertoire. Sooo Jacksonville. Yet she is endorsed by squads of former insiders, Mayors, and current sherriffs. One trial folks. Is Von Tinypaige the only endorsement you can trust? Sadly so. Please stand. Vote soon to be Honorable Judge Buttner. Hee hee. In case you are wondering ACTIVOTE! has an Oprah tracker. Please just turn that thing off. You embarrass all of us. Angelina Jolie endorses…

snip

Vote Bill White for Public Defender. The other guy can’t pay his bills and is running on a fiscally conservative platform. While that may seem perfect for Duval, Von’s not sure its the best for this particular office. Though we do doubt that you will see any former clients at the UClub. Awkward!

snip

We’ll save our thoughts on the Presidential election for November if we don’t go missing. You can probably guess which way we lean. Its time to rise up and vote Duval. However if its raining or you feel like skipping it, you can always do what they want you to and ACTIVOTE! instead.

DON’T FORGET. We run on semi reliable tips and ethanol. Less than 10% ethanol. vontinypaige@gmail.com

Von Tiny Paige (like Ron Littlepage only readable)

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Von Tiny Paige

Note from the Editor: This is the first installment of what (we hope) will be a recurring column. Peyton knows there’s more than enough dirt going on in this City to fill three weekly columns. But I digress. Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

FROM VON and the well meaning people at Tiny Paige

This is the first of a series of columns from the VTP. This opinion column is copyright free however, if quoted, any pieces of the content of any column must be linked to the entire column. Von, like Ron, has access to inside information without owing power people anything for that info.

If you know something about the Jacksonville political and power scene but don’t want to lose your job, your contract, your husband, etc. send us an email at vontinypaige Your tip may or may not be mentioned. We will never ever mention or give up your email. Use a fake email if you are paranoid.

Your tip should be reasonably reliable, however we do not guarantee anything in our column. Not even our opinion, which can change on a dime. Think of it as local politics for entertainment purposes. Or if you are a subject of a snip, tell us about all these LIES in the comments where they are posted! We will correct all proven mistakes!

So here is what we’ve heard lately

Angela Corey or someone who really likes her has spent a lot of time on as a troll on one of the local message boards. Of course she will probably win in a landslide but the committment to squash any counter balance to her “kill em all let Rutherford sort them out” campaign may lead to more academy awards. Only this overbearing troll has us totally hearting Plotkin. If it wasn’t for her annoying superior attitude we probably wouldn’t even vote for this office.

snip

Ron Barton of the soon to be defunct JEDC is missing in action. Since the northbank riverwalk was reopened in May. What is going on with economic development downtown? Miles Development in Brooklyn? Is that a development or an understatement as to how far we are from anything happening? They should change the name to Miles and Miles. Ron, call home.

snip

The Fellas in the planning office have been told to not go to jags games with Paul Harden any more. Bye bye club seats. Hello loneliness. Don’t worry the private sector will always be there for you after a few “math errors”.

snip

Jacksonville, you used to be easy to figure on the national political scene. Except I heard Obama won the hob nob poll. And had almost 20,000 votes more than McSame in the primary. Winds of change? We need visual clues! Show me your yard signs! Has it already been four years since Jacksonville was one big black W sticker? Since then, they have all gone the way of sub prime mortgages. We don’t blame you for not putting out those McBush signs but we think you should put em up high like gas prices. Design-wise they are an improvement. But where is the pride? Don’t forget if you do or do not put out a sign NO ONE will know you voted for a half black American!

snip

We’ve got some juicy port stories coming in to our port. Tell us what you know about the port, Mayport, what the business climate is like in the Bahamas or any old thing that we need to know. If its interesting, involves power and politics and needs to be told we will make some room. Just drop a tip at vontinypaige

See you next week!

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