Von Tiny Paige

Note from the Editor: This is the second installment of what (apparently) will be a recurring column. Peyton knows there’s more than enough dirt going on in this City to fill three weekly columns. But I digress. Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.

FROM VON and the well meaning people at Tiny Paige

Welcome back frenzies. It is funny. Wrong word. It is interesting that in the issues section of the Mimes Union (strong yet voiceless and trapped in a box, heehee) site called Activote! (we shall, in our effort to keep ourselves from poluting you dear reader, not link to the tripe) that the top two issues are abortion and gay marriage. So maybe its alphabetical. Even still, I didn’t know abortion was on the ballot this year. But that brings us to snip one.

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WE DON’T CARE WHO IS GAY! If you are going to send a tip to let us know all of these power people who are gay you can either send photographic evidence (driving a mini does not count) or show where the gayness is contrary to some public policy they pushed or are pushing. (Clears throat). Because being hypocritical is much worse than being gay. Von cares not who you are focking, only who you are focking over.

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The states attorney race is HEATING UP! One of the candidates is a MAN BABY! We got a couple tips from this race that aren’t worth our time (see snip one). But one thing we are pretty confused about is this. Angela Corey is FIGHTING MAD and has all the cops ready to bust your ass for voting for the status quo. Or at least they say that Plotkin/Shorestein is the status quo. Uhhh. Wait. Those guys have been working in that office for 20 million years yes. But we have only been the capital of capital crimes since the people that endorse MZ Corey took over crime and punishment. So wouldn’t a vote for her be a vote for our sorry current state of affairs. Send tips. In the mean time we’re going with the candidate who isn’t mean all the time. Plus you represent the people and the victims not the cops, Honey. We agree with the Mimes. Making hand signals: Vote Jay Plotkin. Republican!

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Jay McGovern is out pacing Ander (votes with Bush every freaking time) Crenshaw in fundraising. Why? Because everyone knows that Ander can’t lose. Well Sir Hopes Alot may have something to say about that. Von thinks this one might be really close due to our endorsement. That and the fact that Ander ain’t done squat except vote the party line. Go to his site and check out his bio. Von knows growing up in Ortega is insurmountable but come on, have we not done anything? His video at his home page about sums it up. Why do we need another cemetary Ander?

We’ll go with the engineer and business man on this one. Vote Jay McGovern. Von’s not drinking yet though we’ve endorsed a republican, a military leader, and two guys name Jay already. Don’t try to find any info at ACTIVOTE!!! its pitiful and with this congressional seat. The info has been aborted, which is gay.

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Norton Vs. Buttner. This sounds like an Eddie Murphy routine. Too bad the hot one is not Buttner. We really liked the idea of Norton because we heard when she got mugged she changed into a Norton for judge t-shirt before the news crew got there but we found evidence thats hog wash. We would have been so impressed by this despite her having one, yes one, trial in her repertoire. Sooo Jacksonville. Yet she is endorsed by squads of former insiders, Mayors, and current sherriffs. One trial folks. Is Von Tinypaige the only endorsement you can trust? Sadly so. Please stand. Vote soon to be Honorable Judge Buttner. Hee hee. In case you are wondering ACTIVOTE! has an Oprah tracker. Please just turn that thing off. You embarrass all of us. Angelina Jolie endorses…

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Vote Bill White for Public Defender. The other guy can’t pay his bills and is running on a fiscally conservative platform. While that may seem perfect for Duval, Von’s not sure its the best for this particular office. Though we do doubt that you will see any former clients at the UClub. Awkward!

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We’ll save our thoughts on the Presidential election for November if we don’t go missing. You can probably guess which way we lean. Its time to rise up and vote Duval. However if its raining or you feel like skipping it, you can always do what they want you to and ACTIVOTE! instead.

DON’T FORGET. We run on semi reliable tips and ethanol. Less than 10% ethanol. vontinypaige@gmail.com

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