Note from the Editor: Under no amount of torture, threat of litigation or tickling will I reveal the identity of Von Tiny Paige, because I have no idea who he/she is. Please enjoy.
Today Alaska Governor Sarah Pitbull with tattooed lipstick Palin will drop her obsession with running her state (the biggest and closest to Russia) and her huge family obligations (make sure you mark your breast pump in that fridge!) to come to our fair and still red city to attack the next President of the United States. But there are significant things that the you betcha Gov and the you wretcha Landing have in common. Here are the top 5:
5. Meaningless babble on top of Hooters. How did that giant screen television pass through the planning department, planning commission, Design Review Committee, and city council? Its on city property, where you can drink out of doors, liquor even, BTW. It is a giant television on the most beautiful part of the river and arguably the best looking part of the city especially from the southbank. You can see it from the historic Main Street Bridge to nowhere.
Do we need television while enjoying downtown on the river? Maybe you are saying, how did the pepsi ball and all the pepsi billboard-roofs along the stadium pass the above groups also? Who knows? No journalists care! Or work in a building with their logo on all four sides (big no no), with big banners hanging (Von supports the fight against breast cancer and blight)! I’m just a columnist and Joey doesn’t pay crap. Back to the television. It is like what is behind the titanium glasses. It is mean and meaningless, it is a dirty distraction, it is self serving, it is empty, and it is on top of nice hooters. Which are draped in an American flag today. How appropriate.
4. Both are run by people who prop them up but don’t really care about them. And they make things up at tax payer expense. How in the world did the owner of the Landing not clean it up and finish the job? Parking of course! Somehow there is a way to shove thousands today and tens of thousands at football games in there with a lack of parking but not actual stores. They need spaces!
At any given time there are more spaces downtown than there are people. Their lot is always open with spaces available. The year after the owner of the Landing bought it for $5 million his firm made $700 million. But parking is the reason he cannot invest in it. Palin is thrown out there with no magazines, no foreign policy experience, no passport? And why can’t she answer questions about one supreme court case? Parking, err gotcha journalism.
3. They both look great from a distance. The Landing always looks good from a blimp. And until Gov Palin speaks she is damn fine. But once you approach the Landing you will find nothing but a stank beer smell, infested restaurants, and unsavory customers. The good Gov who has a great handle on politics in her state, where she should be governing, like now, associates herself with a vicious dog that attacks without provocation. That is as repulsive as the dumpster smell or burnt skin.
2. Empty. The Landing has never been as empty as it is today. Gov Palin has nothing to offer with the exception of some drill me now bullshit. She is an angry zealot divider without anything tangible on her record or her party platform. She is talking about activist courts, but can’t name one case. Echo. Echo. She started her Landing speech about never looking back and always looking forward, ends with Bill Ayers. Ha ha. No looking back huh?
1. Both get paid to sit there. Governor Palin gets a per diem for staying home. Some for her kids too. You can’t see it on her tax records but it exists. And its on the back of Alaskans and Americans. She needs to reject that. Everyday that a parking lot is not build by our city for the Landing they actually get paid.
When this thing is over Von promises to get back to more localized scandal but there is too much fertile soil right now on the national front to not plant and sew. I’ll try to tie it into our Jacksonville. There are some amazing strories from resources coming in from inside City Hall about the no bid dump scandal and the Jackson Square scandal. We don’t want to get anyone fired so Von is being judicious. As always tips will remain anonymous vontinypaige@gmail.com
